Anyone who wants to shoot it can. It was designed to be super cheap to film. (The musical number is in the public domain.)
Please forgive the wonky formatting issues.
BASEMENT DECORUM
by ML Kennedy
EXT. ALLEY – MORNING
(POV – running monster) We are chasing a running young
person in a hoodie. HOODIE steps onto a box of garbage, steps onto a large
garbage can, and dives over a gate. We hear growling as the camera spies on
Hoodie getting up off the ground, running to a basement and frantically
pounding on the door.
CUT TO:
INT. BASEMENT - MORNING
We still hear pounding on the basement door as a slovenly
dressed man in his 20s opens the door. Let’s call him DAVE. Hoodie enters,
quickly shuts the door and bars it. The hoodie is lowered revealing a young
woman.
DAVE
How’s
it looking out there, Rose?
ROSE
Better.
TITLE CARD
INT. BASEMENT – DAY
We are in a semi-finished basement with a fair amount of
clutter and well-worn furniture. Unlit candles and dirty dishes can be seen
strewn about the room. Rose is leaning against a wall, while Dave is laying
down playing a Nintendo DS. He is dressed only in his boxers.
DAVE
How
long do you think we’re going to have to be down here?
ROSE
I
don’t know, Dave.
DAVE
I know you don’t
know, but when do you think?
ROSE
I really don’t
have any way of making any sort of useful guess. I mean
my last guess was
that these things would be gone by sunrise.
DAVE
(Still playing)
Yeah. That guess
sucked.
ROSE
Shouldn’t you be
saving your batteries for something more practical?
DAVE
What batteries?
(a glance)
Oh.
No these don’t take batteries, they plug into the wall.
ROSE
You
don’t have to say it like I’m the biggest idiot in the world, you know.
DAVE
Whatever.
ROSE
If
you wouldn’t have forgotten those tickets-
DAVE
What?
If I remembered them we might be dead now.
Rose starts to say something then stops herself.
A moment of silence.
ROSE
Yeah.
Rose goes to light a cigarette, looks around then slides it
back into the soft pack.
DAVE
I
think, in general, that, um, the house’s no smoking rule can be lifted
during apocalypses,
monster infestations and things like that.
ROSE
I
only have ten. I want to ration.
DAVE
Jesus,
how long do you think this thing is going to last?
ROSE
I
already said that I don’t know.
(A beat)
Can
you put some fucking clothes on?
DAVE
I’m
covered. Why are you so sexually oppressed?
ROSE
It’s
repressed, and I’m not. I just don’t want to see your
wangdoodle.
DAVE
Then
don’t look at my wangdoodle. Jesus.
ROSE
Just
put on some goddamned pants.
DAVE
It’s
my house, and you can’t make me.
LATER
Dave lets out a grunt of frustration as his DS runs out of
power. He sets aside the game angrily. We reveal Rose stretching in various
Yoga poses on the basement floor. Reaction shot of Dave.
CUT TO:
Dave sits on the couch in baggy clothes.
INT. BASEMENT – EVENING
A few candles are lit around the room. Rose is sitting on the couch, trying to twirl
her cheap butane lighter around her fingers like a baton. Dave enters the room
holding an aluminum can in each hand.
DAVE
For
tonight’s menu I have sirloin burger soup or spaghetti rings.
So,
basically, you have the option to eat like a seven year old or
a seventy year
old.
ROSE
Dibs
on the rings.
DAVE
And
here I thought that I was the childish one.
He opens both cans with a mechanical can opener.
ROSE
Oh,
you are. I just don’t eat red meat.
DAVE
What
are your opinions on, uh, greyish-brown meat?
CUT TO:
Dave and Rose are
sitting on opposite ends of the couch. Each is eating their dinner straight out
of the can. They stare forward, idly spooning foods into their mouths. Screams,
sirens and what might be an explosion can be heard in the background. Rose takes a last spoonful, and then holds
the can towards Dave to offer him the rest. He smiles at her and politely waves
it off.
Dave digs around the bottom of his can with his spoon and
starts to sing softly “Cockles and Muscles”.
DAVE
In
Dublin's fair city, where the girls are so pretty,
I first set my
eyes on sweet Molly Malone,
As she wheeled her
wheel-barrow,
Through the
streets broad and narrow,
Singing,
"Cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh!"
(Louder)
"Alive,
alive, oh,
Alive, alive,
oh,"
Crying
"Cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh".
(He pauses to turn to Rose,
but she is still looking straight ahead.)
She was a
fishmonger, but sure 'twas no wonder,
For so were her
father and mother before,
And they all
wheeled their barrows,
Through streets
broad and narrow,
Crying,
"Cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh!"
BOTH
"Alive,
alive, oh,
Alive, alive,
oh,"
Crying
"Cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh".
DAVE
She died of a
fever, and no one could save her,
And that was the
end of sweet Molly Malone.
But her ghost
wheels a barrow,
Through streets
broad and narrow,
Crying,
"Cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh!"
BOTH
(Softly)
"Alive,
alive, oh,
Alive, alive,
oh,"
Crying
"Cockles and mussels, alive, alive, oh".
Things go quiet again. Dave rests his arm on the arm of the
couch and rests his head in his hand. The silence is broken by the sounds of a
distant traffic accident and screaming. A moment passes.
DAVE
Rose?
ROSE
Yeah,
Dave?
DAVE
(Deadpan)
You’ve
got a lousy singing voice.
Rose punches Dave in the shoulder and smiles a short-lived
smile.
INT. BASEMENT NIGHT –
Dave and Rose haven’t moved from the couch. Each stares
forward, blankly. Sirens and yelling can be heard in the background.
LATER:
Rose is lying on the couch while Dave sits on the floor.
Scratches, groans and creaks can be heard off in the distance.
DAVE
Rose.
Hey Rose.
ROSE
What
is it, Dave?
DAVE
Do
you think we should check out there again?
ROSE
Yes,
we should. . . in the morning.
DAVE
It
sounds less bad out there. I think we should check it out.
ROSE
Now?
DAVE
Yeah!
ROSE
To
what end?
DAVE
Um,
what do you mean by that?
ROSE
If
it is, by some chance, better or worse or the same out there
then what, pray tell, are you going to do
about it?
DAVE
Well, I just, I
don’t know. I just kinda gotta know.
ROSE
Fuck you, you
don’t.
The sound of gunfire, off in the distance.
DAVE
I’ll be real
quick.
ROSE
It’s the middle of
the night. Don’t be fucking stupid.
DAVE
I’m not fucking
stupid.
ROSE
Listen, let me
sleep, 2 hours. Then you sleep after I wake up. After that
it should be light
out again and you can go nuts and check out whatever
the fuck you want.
DAVE
Sleep as long as you want. I’m too
wired. I’m, like too paranoid. I’m not
sure if I’ll ever get to sleep
again. I’m just gonna wake you up at the crack
of dawn and then I am going to check out the
situation. You know? I think
I have a tire iron or a crow bar
around here or, like, something to protect me.
Protect us, you know? I feel like
I should be keeping you safe.
Rose has turned to face the back of the couch. She lets out
a sound along the lines of “Uh-huh” but she is more than half asleep.
INT. BASEMENT – MORNING
Dave is asleep one leg thrown over the back of the couch,
clutching a tire iron and snoring with his mouth wide open. We see that he is
wearing soccer shin pads. Rose reluctantly lights a cigarette.
INT. BASEMENT –DAY
Dave and Rose are standing by the basement door. Dave is
wearing a parka, oven mitts, jeans tucked into his boots, Shin pads over his
jeans and a catcher’s mask. He’s holding the tire iron in his right hand.
ROSE
Are
you ready?
DAVE
I
was born ready.
ROSE
Seriously,
though.
DAVE
As
ready as I’ll ever be?
ROSE
Okay.
Rose makes slow and deliberate movements. She slides the bar
up from the basement door. Rose looks into Dave’s eyes as best as she can
through the ridiculous mask. She moves one hand to the door knob, and holds out
three fingers with the other.
Two fingers.
One finger.
BANG BANG BANG.
There is a pounding at the door that makes both
twenty-somethings jump.
MALE
VOICE
Anybody
in there?
DAVE
Uh,
NO!
Rose looks at Dave like he were the biggest idiot in the
world.
MALE
VOICE
Listen,
this whole neighborhood has been cleared of monsters.
You
should be safe to leave now.
ROSE
How
do we know that you’re not a monster?
MALE
VOICE (O.C.)
Chris
Conte sucks.
DAVE
His
story checks out.
ROSE
How
did you get rid of all of them?
MALE
VOICE
We
shot them. . . with our guns. Power should be back up in an
hour
or so.
INT. BASEMENT – DAY
Rose is gathering her things together.
DAVE
So,
was this the longest first date you’ve ever been on?
ROSE
Definitely
the longest blind date.
DAVE
Oh,
so, you’ve been on longer first dates?
ROSE
Oh
yeah. All the time.
Rose heads towards the door.
DAVE
You
know, I’m pretty sure they rescheduled that show. They’ll
probably let me
swap those tickets.
ROSE
Dave,
you’re a good guy. I don’t want you to take it personally if
I never want to see you again.
DAVE
Oh.
All right.
ROSE
Hey,
I’ve been on worse dates. We had a candlelight dinner,
I got serenaded,
you let me smoke in your house, and uh –
DAVE
You got to see me
in my underpants.
ROSE
That wasn’t a
highlight for me. Look, you’re a good guy, but you’re
always going to
remind me of that time I almost died.
DAVE
I understand. But
I’m going to text you, and I’m going to
think about you
and that time we almost died.
Rose kisses Dave on the cheek and leaves.
END.
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